mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
