im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
