he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
