It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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