and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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