he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
