she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
