Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
PANTIES FOUND
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