Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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