I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
