What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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