mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
