And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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