Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
