i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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