Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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