Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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