so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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