is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
