I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
