Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
