Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
