my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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