my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Help. Why am I so naked?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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