She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
