First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize