Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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