I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
