I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
