Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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