3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
