My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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