508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
