Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize