On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Let's get the cat blown out
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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