Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
