everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
