There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
