I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
