If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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