Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
