Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
