i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
