Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
