the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
