Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
