If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
