it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
