We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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