Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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