Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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