"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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