I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
