So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
