I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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