____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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